Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
