WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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