I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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