i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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