before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
