The maid of honor just puked.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
