Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
