genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
