I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
