Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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