Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
