There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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