You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
