this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
