I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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