Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
