you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
