i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
