my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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