my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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