I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
