Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
