I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
