then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
