Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
