I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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