Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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