Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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