Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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