I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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