My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i am craving dick and cupcakes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
