I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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