The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
