i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
