woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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