my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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