i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
