Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
