I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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