we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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