eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
