I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
