he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
