so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
