The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
