Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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