im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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