Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
