Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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