I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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