Plan B is the new Plan A
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
