Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
no, he came in my armpit
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
